Lost, but moving forward

A dry, brown leaf falls off of a tree branch and lands in a gently moving river. The leaf moves with the movement of the water-- sometimes going along gently, and other times, being swiftly pulled along. The leaf has no control over where it’s going. Occasionally, the little leaf gets sucked into an eddy. The leaf spins faster and faster, almost violently, out of control. It goes around and around, but ultimately, it goes nowhere.

I feel like this leaf. Lost. Spinning out of control in dizzying circles. Running as fast as I can, but getting nowhere.

Miss Smartypants Crystal, normally so sure of herself, is completely unsure.

I hate this. I feel helpless. I’ve been crying at the drop of a hat these last few days (which may or may not be my endocrine system’s fault…). What is the point of my life right now? That’s a good question… one which I wish I knew the answer to.

Pretty much all my future plans and dreams ride on me getting into vet school. I’ve always been practical and known that I might not get accepted. I’ve always considered what I will do if I don’t get in. But now that it’s only a year away from when my application is due, I’m doubting myself. I have a B (possibly C) in O Chem. How can I get into vet school with B’s?? Yeah some people get in with B’s. But I won’t. I know I won’t get into vet school.

Practically, I still have a good chance at getting in. So WHY am I doubting myself? Where is my confidence, my fighting spirit??

I don’t know what it is about fall semesters, but they just make me want to give up. Spring semesters, I always get straight A’s. Fall semesters, on the other hand, are huge challenges for me. Not just academically, but emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I have no idea why, but it is a pattern I’ve noticed these last couple of years. (Maybe someone should do research on my pineal gland when I die and see if humans like increasing daylight better than decreasing daylight??? Hmm.)

Anyways. In these moments of weakness and challenges, that is when I turn to the one who is always there. Maybe one of the reasons that fall is so rough for me is because I tend to ignore God over summer break. I grow distant from Him, and about halfway through the fall semester I’m like “Crap! How am I in this place again??” So right now I’m trying to soak in as much God time as I can. There’s so many church services offered here, I’m seriously considering going to more than one. One church on Sunday morning, than another one in the evening. Oh and I have Cru small group on Tuesday and Cru on Thursday. Good good good, I must be a saint right?

Yeah right.

Listening to someone else talk about God is not enough. Singing songs full of love and adoration is not enough. I need that daily “me ‘n God” time. If I’m honest, I haven’t had a regular quiet time in a very long time. I need to be disciplined in this. Just now I went to amazon and searched for devotional guides. I need something. Something that will help me on a daily basis think about how incredibly amazing my loving Savior is. I need to focus on HIM and all the petty things that are freaking me out will fade away.

Yes, I am confused by why He’s letting me spin in these circles, but I aim to draw near to Him, because I know that He will anchor me, even when I’m caught in the center of a terrifying eddy.

He is my rock and my salvation, and I shall never be moved. Amen.

Worries

I know that college is supposed to be a time where you figure out your life and that you are more free than you ever will be in your life and blah blah blah. This is the time for you to make the big decisions in your life. This is the point where you will stand at many crossroads and decide whether or not to take the "road less traveled" (Frost). Some days it's totally and completely awesome that what I do right now is so important, but most of the time, it sucks. A lot.

First off, I'm broke. Broker (I know that's not proper grammar) than I have ever been before. I have $4 in my checking account and $2 in my wallet. Ouch. Thank God my housing and schooling bills are taken care of for the rest of the semester (if I understand that University Bursar office correctly at least).

I do have a $30 parking ticket to pay sometime within the next 10 days though. And it was NOT MY FAULT!!!! I was parked in the same parking lot I always park in, but apparently the campus parking people who like to play God (ok so I'm a little bitter) changed the rules, and they didn't bother to inform anyone (even the ladies at the parking service office heard about it for the first time today). So the nice ladies at parking services gave me a form to fill out to appeal the ticket. That made me smile. But then the lady added, you have to pay the ticket before you can appeal it. Smile quickly turned to a look that read "ohcrapidon'thavethirtydollars!!!!!". So yeah, a quick text to my older bro, and he put a check in the mail for me. Yay for interest-free loans!

Second big problem, grades. Ugh. You know how frustrating it is to study study study study study your life away, then end up getting a big fat C?!? It's awful! And it's not like it's only happened once this semester. So far, it's been the rule, not the exception.

So the grade problem leads me to another problem: career choice. I KNOW what I want to do. I want to be a large-animal veterinarian for crying out loud! But... what if I don't get into vet school? What do I want to do then?? And the answer is, I don't know. And that scares me. A lot.

Lastly, the big thing I have to figure out right now is where I'm going to live next year. Next year as in, fall semester 2010. As in, 11 months from now. Ugh! How in the world am I supposed to figure that out NOW?? So much can change in 11 months. Greedy landlords are just trying to force me into a lease. *glare*

The point that I'm starting to realize from this is that even when I have nothing, I have everything. Everything that matters at least. And no, it's not money, a nice apartment, or a secure career. It's a peace, a joy, a love, that surpasses my understanding. Even when I have so many worries weighing me down, I really have nothing to worry about. So yeah, life sucks, but God is good. :)

Plans

Pretty much anyone who knows me knows that I am a planner. I know what year I will graduate vet school, I know how many years I am going to spend in the army, I know the floor plan of my house, I know when I want to get a dog, and I know when I want to get married (11 years from now, in case anyone cares).

I am not one of those college kids who has no idea what they want to do with their life. I know exactly what I want to do with my life. And there's the problem. I know what I want to do with my life.

I do not know what God wants for my life. Sure, I have my plans, but so what? I will throw away all of my plans in a second if I feel God wants me to do something else. Honestly, I will feel such a relief to have a clear calling from God, I won't even feel bad about throwing away my plan. For years I've prayed "God, I do not know what You want with my life. And since I haven't heard you say any different, I will continue with my plan for now. But the second that you want it to change, let me know and I'll go your way!" It's like, all the things that I've been dreaming of for years, are just the basic boring plan. I don't want that. I want more.

Right now I'm thinking that maybe I should get involved with overseas veterinary missions. I would LOVE to go to South America and teach the people how to make a proper living from livestock. I would LOVE to ramble back and forth with the people in Spanish, or whatever dialect is their native tongue. I would LOVE to hug those smiling children with their dirty hair and their warm, chocolate eyes. Oh wait... there I go planning again. See, I would love to do that, but is that what I'm supposed to do???

I feel lost right now. I don't which way's up or down. I don't even know how to give advice to people anymore without it coming off as unloving. I don't feel like I'm doing anything useful with my life right now. There are soooo many things I could be doing for the Lord, even if I don't have a college degree. Heck, there's a girl in Africa who's 20 years old and is the mother to 14 orphan girls! I could do that, no degree required! (Read this amazing girl's story here).

So, yes, of course I've formed a plan to help me figure out what God's plan is for my life. This is what it looks like right now:
1) Contact the vet missions club at the vet school
2) Contact some of the vet missionaries down in South America and see if I could come for a month or so.
3) Talk to my youth pastor back home and ask him to keep his ears open for opportunities for me.
4) Most importantly, pray.

I know that what God wants to happen, is going to happen. There are a few verses that have been resonating in my heart and mind these past couple of days.

Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails.

Isaiah 55:8 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

So for now, I will work hard where I am. If He wants me to be a missionary vet I have to get into vet school first... So I'm off to go master this darn Organic Chemistry!!!

Life is good :)

Life at college is not easy. Especially for a perfectionist want-straight-A's like I am. I'm finding that college is quite complicated (with all my classes, studying, meetings, and extracurriculars), yet at the same time, everything is so simple.

It's simple because I'm basically starting over. Meals are simple. I don't have ready access to a kitchen (which is a bummer sometimes), so I never HAVE to cook. I just stand in a line, tell them what I want, then hand them my hokie passport. Easy. Also, since all of my friendships are new and fresh, there's no deep talks or drama, which sometimes really sucks, but on the other hand, it makes life so much more simple. Even going to the grocery store is so much easier. Instead of living in the middle of nowhere (I really do miss living in the middle of nowhere though...), I now live smack-dab in the middle of everything! Very convenient!

The main thing that I find is so much more simple right now, is finding things to make me happy. Since most of my days are consumed with classes and studying, I have to find happiness in the little things.

For example, on Thursday, going to Cru and seeing all the other people on this campus who love God was VERY encouraging. The worship songs especially were awesome! I've had the songs "How He Loves" by John Mark McMillan and "Beautiful" by Phil Wickham running through my head all weekend. So, not only did those songs make me happy at the time they were being played at Cru, but they have continued to bring a smile to my face and joy to my heart for the past 4 days. Bonus happiness; I love it!!!

Friday, I got to see people from home and from Roanoke, which easily made me happy.

Saturday, I watched my first sheep sale and my first official-I-am-now-a-Hokie VT football game (on tv), which made me happy.

Sunday, I got to play soccer with a bunch of good lookin guys. Enough said. :D

Today, I had to go to find a red shirt to be my soccer jersey. I figured Target would definitely have one, so I started there. After I scoured the store for a red athletic-ish shirt, I left in disappointment and headed to Wal-mart. Now, the thing that made my search more frustrating was the fact that I had only $20 for the next week or so (I have money in my bank account, but the ATM stole my check card...) and I had about 5 other items on my shopping list. As I searched Wal-mart, I texted all my frustration to my sister. As soon as I hit "send" I look up to see a red tank top. Excitedly, I grab it (it was my size yay!) and read the tag. It said "Clearance $1"!!!! Whoo! I quickly glanced at the wal-mart ceiling and said a quick thank-you. As I finished getting the things on my list, I couldn't stop smiling. After I checked out, I was smiling even bigger. Turns out I got the red shirt, new shinguards, a mini storage container ($1 item), deep conditioner, hair spray, and bobby pins ($1 item as well), all for a grand total of $13.75. My wallet, as well as myself, were quite happy.

As I walked from my car to my dorm just now, I couldn't stop smiling and whistling "How He Loves". I felt like people were staring at me as they walked past because I was just beaming. (This is weird, because normally when I'm walking, I apparently frown... I have had more than one passerby tell me to cheer up before... that always makes me feel like Scrooge or something!)

So yeah, I'm happy! :D

Cookies & Ice Cream

So I haven't had any time to write since I've been here at Virginia Tech and I don't have time to really write right now, so this will be short.

Today I ate...

Cookies for breakfast. At 7am. While I stared at my laptop screen. (That can't be good for me-- nutritionally, mentally, etc.)

A chicken salad croissant, at noon, but all it's healthiness was negated by the fact that I downed it in 2 minutes flat, because I had hijacked a girl's table and had to move fast. (At lunch time EVERY table is full, no matter what dining hall or restaurant I'm at... it's quite ridiculous!)

Cookies for dinner. At 4pm. While I stared at my laptop screen.

Edy's Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream for a 2nd dinner. At 11pm. Oh and I ate a whole pint... Now I KNOW that can't be good for ya!

Oh well. Normally I eat fairly healthy and as far as I know, the freshman (even though I'm a junior) 15 hasn't hit me (but then again, I don't have a scale so I have noooo idea how much I weigh). Anyway, my point is that junk food on occasion is not going to kill me!!! So the only time any of ya'll have the right to criticize my diet, is if I really do gain those 15. Then feel free to chase me around shouting insults so I'll have to exercise to burn those calories! (Ok maybe not insults... try to be tactful por favor!)

(Plus, my sisters made me the cookies back home, and they have to be some of the most AMAZING cookies I have EVER had. Something about home-made cookies when you're far from home makes them taste so much better!!!)

How complicated can a printer be?!?

*Warning: This post contains a great deal of personification of inanimate objects. If you think that's weird, too bad.*


Last year I bought a Dell Inspiron 1525 and I love it! Along with the laptop, I bought a snazzy Dell printer, which I love not-so-much. Yes, it's a very nice printer and it does a great job. Well it does a great job when it's actually working...

You see, for some reason unbeknown to moi, they ("they" being the computer and printer) don't get along. They never have and I'm doubtful they ever will. I have no idea what their little feud is regarding, but they need to realize that their problems affect not only them, but the people around them (namely me). Really, how selfish can they be? Don't they notice that every time I need to print something, I have to transfer it to a flash drive and take it to another computer in the house?? How troublesome.

I must admit that on occasion they make a little peace treaty and actually cooperate. THAT is when I actually love my printer. Be aware though, that I've had this laptop/printer combination for almost a year, and they have worked together only one handful of times. That's pretty pitiful.

So as I thought about what to take with me to VT, I decided to leave the printer at home. I mean, it's not like it works, so why bother?

As soon as my dad realized that I was leaving the printer at home, he politely confiscated it (with my permission, but it's not like I could say no...) and hooked it up to his computer. Of course it works perfectly for him. Ugh not fair! I paid for it, it should be working for me. Traitor.

Anyways, yesterday I checked the Scholar (kinda like Blackboard) page for one of my classes and the syllabus made it quite clear that I would be printing handouts. Lots and lots and lots of handouts. So I get to thinking... hmm... do I really want to have to find a computer lab every time I need to print something? What about those mornings I wake up late and I've forgotten to print off these precious handouts for this 8am class? I sense that could cause unnecessary stress in my life.

Sooo... I've decided to take my printer with me and just find some technology diplomat (aka computer genius) to help the two warring parties resolve their differences. Sorry to disappoint your free-printer hopes, Daddy.

Yay problem solved... the only thing left to do this morning was to pick up a black cartridge to replace the empty one that is currently sitting in the printer. As I walked into Wal-mart, I called home to have Mom check what kind of cartridge it is. (I've never had to replace it before since it's only actually printed 5 times in the past year!!!) Mom can't find the little door to reveal what kind of cartridge it is, so she gets my brother to come look too. This goes on for a few minutes as I stand in the Wal-mart aisle laughing at the frustration I hear on the other end of the line. (This good looking guy gave me a weird look for laughing out loud...) My brother's saying "it's gotta be in the back... cuz it's not here on the front" and I'm thinking "uhh they would never put it on the back; that would be totally inconvenient". Finally I'm like "hey why don't you guys go get the printer manual and it will tell you". Then I listen as my mom proceeds to mumble the printer instructions in French as I'm thinking "if they have the instructions in French, they definitely have them in English too!".

Finally, I notice a little booklet attached to a shelf in the cartridge aisle. It lists all kinds of printers and the cartridges that they use. About the same time I find the cartridge I need, my brother announces he found the little door. It was on the front (who woulda thought?!?).

And that was the beginning of my search for my printer cartridge. Apparently Staples has a monopoly on this certain Dell cartridge, which I figured out by driving to all the other stores around. And Staples' prices are normally exorbitant, so I'm just going to order from Dell.

So yeah, printers and the cartridges that reside therein equal a major headache. And yeah, I probably got a little carried away with my laptop-and-printer-at-war analogy, but oh well, just go with it. :)

Details details details...

Fifteen minutes ago I started my HUGE Wal-Mart "things to buy before I leave for school" list. It took me about 30 seconds to write down 13 items. Well that was easy.

Ten minutes ago, I started straightening my hair.

Eight minutes ago, I realized I forgot to add "contact lens solution" to my list, so I walked to where my list sat (grabbing a swig of my forgotten can of Amp along the way) and wrote down this 14th item. Then I remembered I needed toothpaste. Then notebook paper. A minute later, my short, easy list was twice as long.

Not a huge problem. I'm quite good at shopping as long as I have a list in front of me. The problem is that I'm not going to Wal-mart until tomorrow. Which means my list will have plenty of time to double, quadruple, and expand to the tenth power. Lovely.

Oooh. I just looked at my reflection in the computer screen and noticed I never got back to straightening my hair. Whoops.